Hope is a Renewable Resource

    

I don't remember exactly when I first said the phrase 'Hope is a renewable resource,' but it was definitely while I was in college. Though I may not have always realized it, I have always been an optimist.

    I was in my late thirties, underemployed, living gig to gig as a musician. I had not been to a dentist in years, except for occasional emergency extractions. My cars were never insured longer than the first month when I needed the paperwork for a new registration. I would get a new cell phone number every six months when I couldn't keep up with the bills, and the accounts went into collections. Relationships with some of my closest friends were tense due to my struggles to pay the weekly rent for the room they offered me. All of this sounds grim, but I didn't feel terrible about it then. This was the way things were, and having accepted that, I waited for times to change. I was an optimist.

    As an optimist-in-waiting at the time, I can say now, with certainty, that this optimism did not always serve me well. It often promised, 'This time will be different' when there was no evidence or actions to indicate any reason why it would be. Still, I never questioned the surety that next week's Brad would have whatever was needed to overcome the impediments this week's Brad managed to assemble. And if not next week, then probably the week after. There's always time. And partially, it was true, at least back then. One thing I seemed to have in abundance as a 'professional musician' was unallocated time.* Time I spent carelessly, thoughtlessly, and occasionally recklessly, without truly understanding its value and the opportunities it presented. Fortunately, the circumstances of life shifted, and although it was painful and arrived late, the folly of youth soon gave way to middle age.

    Shortly after the rather traumatic passing of my stepfather in 2011, I reflected on my life and its direction. I made changes to my approach to eating and physical activity, looked into what it would take to go to college, and began examining my own agency within this optimistic worldview I possessed. (Agency, the idea of the aspects of my life that are under my influence, wasn't even in my vocabulary until much later.) Mind you, this was all an attempt to spend my time more productively. I often said then that I considered entering college as an endeavor solely for my personal edification. I had no grand aspirations or expectations of leaving my carefree gigging lifestyle behind. Looking back, I know deep down I wanted to prove to myself that I had (have?) the intellectual capacity to complete college, just like many of the friends I admired. (What I didn't know then was that work ethic is often the more challenging aspect of college and pretty much everything else, but I digress.)

    Months passed, and I began to feel the confidence of a healthier body. With the help of the folks at the Maine Educational Opportunity Center, I enrolled in a BA degree program. Well, not exactly. Not having filed taxes for several years made it slightly challenging to apply for financial aid. (I'm kidding, it made it damn near impossible.) I was ready to call it quits. That would have been the end of my college ambition, but then an enrollment counselor intervened and got me approved for a small scholarship that would cover just one course. So, in the fall of 2012, I took English 101. And I loved it. Even more inspired and determined, I sought the help of an affordable local CPA to back-file my taxes and completed my financial aid application in time to enroll as a full-time student in the spring of 2013.

    Now, ten years later, I sit here still an optimist. I was right. Times did change. Now, I have my own home and a reliable car. I can smile with more confidence, thanks to the powers of modern dentistry. I'm still a gigging musician, but I also have a career where I help other students navigate the complexities of their college journeys. I have even more confidence in my Stoic acceptance that many things in life just are as they are. We can be optimists while understanding that many things are not under our control. But I have also realized that we do have agency, and it is okay to help some processes with a nudge. I don't remember when I first said, 'Hope is a renewable resource,' but I remember following it up with the phrase, 'The more we use it, the more we have.' Reflecting on that now, I believe the second line is the more important one. Time and time again, I have been astounded that when I actively pursue some goal, I find opportunities waiting for me. Hope and optimism are verbs. They need to be practiced, exercised, and pursued. It's okay to be an optimist, believing things will work out for the best, as long as we're doing our part to get there.

*I despise the term 'free time.' Time is never free. Frankly, to my mind, it is the only currency of mortal consciousness, and it only becomes more valuable as we realize it is slipping away."